A Presence

There are others in here. I can feel them. Sometimes I can catch one of them talking in the background, and I know it isn’t me. When I pay attention, they stay quiet. They don’t want me to know that they are there. Well jokes on you assholes, I know you exist. Not that it does me any good, it’s not like I can control you. You are your own beings, waiting in the shadows for your moment to shine. And by shine, I mean you wait to absolutely demolish the work that I’ve accomplished thus far. Why you want to do that, who knows. If only you would let me talk to you.

Ignoring me does no good, those dumbasses. I can still hear you! Wouldn’t it make more sense if we all talked together? Why must you exclude me? I’m the host here. I run this goddamn show, not you. This is my life, not yours. Why do you always try to ruin it?

I enable you guys, I know I do. Every time I drink, every time I self-harm, every time I get out of my own head. I let you take over, and you wreak havoc. I did everything I could to build a life full of potential. You are set on ruining what I have worked so hard to build. I put myself out there, I made myself uncomfortable, and I challenged everything I was familiar with. And for what? Just to have the others in my head tear it down brick by precious brick.

It would be easy to use this as an excuse. An excuse for my behavior, my actions, and my words. I have to suffer the consequences of other beings existing in my mind. It’s not fair, but I know that it was of my own doing. I created these beings for protection. Lot of good that did me. What are they protecting? Protecting me from feeling? From experiencing life to its fullest extent? What they really do is prevent. They prevent me existing in a normal state. They prevent me from experiencing what life has to offer. Why? Maybe they’re just as scared as I am. Maybe our fear is the thread that binds us together. What happens if I cut that thread?

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