Existential

Purpose. Do I have one? Is it possible I’m one of the few who was cursed by a lack of one?

An abysmal and pathetic, yet persistent excuse for a train that moves with an unapologetic fury not even Hell could conjure within its darkest nightmares and deepest cesspools. Tell the demons to flee and find my muse, the one and only object of my desire! Is it a person, a place, or a thing? I wish I could remember. Hollow bones and aching joints inform the conscious thought that everything is repeating. Every move, every moan, and every mistake has been made before… so why can I not remember?

I command you, foul creatures! Spring forth from the ash-filled pits of despair and find my desire, for I am lost without it. Him, her, they, them. Why can I not remember you? Why can’t I remember myself?

Memories are a plague, yet the absence of them prompts a death march that chills the flesh casing that envelopes you. Memories should provide a comfort, a sense of warmth that embraces you like a small token of affection. Safe and secure, even the most haunting of dreams provide a visceral sense of familiarity. An itch you can feel but never scratch. An ache no stretch could ever reach. So why, why does it feel like home? And more importantly, how do you find your way back when the roadmap leading the way lies in a memory that is no longer yours?

Smalls grains relinquished back to the hourglass of time, your existence passing through the bottleneck with no care or concern. Those grains, nay. Those granules pass by with each fading breath, an unfulfilled promise that threatens to corrupt the most basic sense of morality.

Is morality my darling? Does it contain the passion I crave? If the floodgates of value and tradition are forced open, does the solitude I seek lie behind them? A dreamer will never stop dreaming, nor will they ever be capable of wading through the unrelenting waves of thundering truth.

My dear darling. My muse. My purity. My soul. You left me so long ago that not even a fleeting memory holds you sacred in my core. How could you leave me here, and shall I wait patiently for your return?

It’s a desolate wasteland, a barren desert that you have left me to wither in. Biding time I have no desire to claim, proclaiming my insanities to an unforgiving world. The truth? The truth we both must accept is that beautiful moment, that sweet moment where two beings destined for collision finally merge into one? That’s not our story, my love. Our collective destiny unsettling for the both of us. Our time has passed, the hourglass a physical embodiment of the devilish villain barring our unification.

Forget me, as I have forgotten you. But tell me, tell me my darling… will I ever remember your name?

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